“There is no such thing as darkness, only a failure to see.”
— Malcolm Muggeridge
‘This is the last time I’m doing this.’ Ray promised himself when he paid the entrance fee to the club.
He should’ve known better by now than to lie to himself… it was never really convincing anyway and it only meant that it took one drink more before he could sleep at night.
He ran a hand through his hair and surveyed the crowd. The ‘Pulse’ was packed, as usual on a Saturday night. It had been almost two months since had had been here.
It was the longest time he had managed to stay away before this thing he had for Fraser had gotten the upper hand again.
But wanking could only do so much. Ray’s hand had started cramping up roughly three days ago, so he was a little on edge tonight – a little desperate.
Ray took a shaky breath and moved to the black door to the left hand side. Ray went inside and gave his eyes a moment to adjust to the near total darkness.
The darkroom at the ‘Pulse’ was almost as busy as the main floor outside. Ray winced at all the wet, sucking noises and the muffled groaning.
The entrance corridor was just barely lit so that you could at least make out some facial features… although the guys that kept to the light – because they had a thing for displaying themselves, for being watched while they were getting fucked – would be better off in one of the dark corners.
Ray always had the same ritual. He would move further into the hall, until it was so dark that you could barely make out the shapes of the other guests. Ray would wait for someone who could be taken for Fraser from the built, preferably with similar hair, too, and then he would move further down the hall to create the perfect illusion.
At the beginning of his crush Ray had tried to find a substitute for Fraser, so he had gone on dates, countless dates. But he wasn’t interested in any of them, so he stopped making others miserable just because he himself couldn’t be happy.
That was when Ray had started fucking strangers, picking up guys at bars for meaningless one night stands. But he didn’t really want to look at them while they were doing it only to be reminded that it wasn’t Fraser and never would be.
And that was when Ray had found the ‘Pulse’ and its glorious darkroom of filth and utter degradation. It suited his needs. In the darkness you could find anyone you wanted to find. So he found Fraser, again and again. Or a person that his mind could shape into that of his partner with the help of the darkness and a room full of strangers.
He found his match for tonight. The man was leaning against the grimy wall, one foot propped up loosely against it. He had Fraser’s figure and even the hair looked a lot like it, from what Ray could make out in the dark. Ray smiled at the man, his white teeth gleaming in the near complete darkness.
He ambled past, brushing against the stranger and giving him a quick grope before he moved past, into the darker corners of the labyrinth like hallway.
Ray threw a look over his shoulder. He thought he saw movement so the man was probably following him.
Ray stopped once he reached an unoccupied corner, easily distinguished by lack of moans and grunting and leaned back against the wall. It only took a moment before the stranger stepped into his personal space and touched his fingers lightly to Ray’s face.
The calloused fingertips smoothed over his cheeks to cradle the back of Ray’s head and then warm lips claimed Ray’s. The fingers wandered up to run through Ray’s hair and the man gave a satisfying moan against Ray’s lips.
Ray smiled into the kiss, someone who liked his experimental hair by touch alone.
A wet tongue penetrated his mouth and Ray’s own tongue eagerly reached out to stroke it, welcoming it to the tight heat.
The kiss deepened and Ray moved up on his toes to get closer, hungrily leaning into the kiss and his tongue stroked over a crooked tooth at the corner and Ray couldn’t keep the moan in because Fraser had one just like it and Ray had wanked himself raw over the sheer thought of how it would feel.
Nimble fingers moved over Ray’s body, committing every angle to memory and Ray had seldom felt so cherished by a touch. The guy he had chosen seemed to dig Ray’s scrawny physique like nobody’s business.
A touch in the dark could be so much more intimate… Ray shivered softly under the fingertips that were tasting his skin. The soft hairs on the back of Ray’s arm stood on end when the fingers trailed a smooth path down Ray’s side, dancing lightly over Ray’s naked skin underneath his shirt.
But Ray wasn’t one to complain. He pressed himself closer against the warm body and felt those lips leaving him to nip a hot trail down his throat. Ray’s groan sounded needy to his own ears but when that wicked tongue sneaked out to lick at his jaw Ray couldn’t help but conjure Fraser up so vividly it left him weak with desire.
Ray had a thing for Fraser’s oral fixation… Ray had a thing for Fraser in pretty much every form, shape or situation.
When that tongue licked into the corner of his mouth and the crooked tooth bit into his swollen bottom lip Ray had to suppress a shiver.
“Fuck me,” he croaked – almost surprised, he didn’t always do this. Sometimes a blow job or even a simple hand job was enough. But with this man…. This fantasy was as close to Fraser as Ray had ever managed it.
The stranger nodded, he sounded a bit breathless and Ray felt foolishly proud about reducing him to this state.
Ray tried to remember where he had put the rubber when he left his apartment but the other guy surprised him again. It only took him a moment before Ray could hear the rustling of the plastic wrapping.
He swallowed soundlessly. Fraser would also be prepared; Ray knew that beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Ray reached with shaking fingers for his belt and unbuckled his pants. He groped around for a moment until his fingers met coarse plush; there was some sort of couch to his right. Ray dropped his pants to the floor and pushed his boxers down and then he braced himself against the armrest.
The stranger moved in behind him and Ray tensed slightly in worried anticipation but he needn’t have worried. Warm fingers crept under his shirt and stroked his back, skimming to the front again to pinch his nipples almost cruelly and Ray cried out hoarsely.
Those sinful lips were back again, mouthing his neck and that tongue swirled patterns over Ray’s heated skin before teeth clamped around a patch of skin.
Ray gave a guttural moan and then the tongue was back to sooth the sting of the teeth marks.
He spread his legs as far as his jeans around his ankles allowed him. There was the soft ‘click’ of a tube being opened and a moment later Ray felt wet fingers against his entrance.
He swallowed… God, this man was turning him on like you wouldn’t believe. Ray tried breathing deeply and evenly when those fingers entered him. He gasped but the other man wasn’t giving him any time to adjust.
He was dangerously efficient, his movements careful but unrestrained, almost rough and Ray loved every second of it. He pushed back, forcing himself harshly onto the invading fingers and the man behind him growled in the back of his throat. It sounded so feral that Ray felt a shiver running down his spine from the sheer animalism of it.
“Now, now,” Ray urged in a toneless whisper. “Come on, fuck me already.” There was a helpless groan behind him before the fingers left Ray. The breathing of the guy sounded pretty shaky and who would’ve thought that breathing itself could be a turn on?
A second later Ray felt the blunt tip of a cock press against him and he pushed back, relishing the burn. His fingers gripped the armrest tighter at the same time that the guy dug his fingers into Ray’s hip.
Ray panted, God, he felt full… it was the most exquisite feeling, like being whole for the first time.
The man was almost all the way inside when he paused and twisted his hips to slam the last couple of inches in. Ray shouted hoarsely when he hit his prostate and there were sharp teeth at his ear and Ray felt lost… utterly lost, completely out of control.
The blackness around him was almost vibrant in its intensity and Ray saw flashes of vermilion red, aquamarine blue and forest green with every thrust.
He pushed back with as much force as he could muster and the guy really gave him as good as he got.
He was shoving in with a force that had Ray gagging for more, “harder— oh God, please, harder” Ray rasped in a voice he couldn’t even recognize anymore.
The guy slammed into him and Ray almost fell forward into the couch had the death grip on his hip not prevented it.
“Oh God— oh God, oh I…” Ray whispered. That man had an unerring accuracy when it came to hitting his sweet spot and Ray could already feel his orgasm approaching, almost like a wave and he reached down to grip his cock. He took his cock in an almost painful grip and gave it a pull, he clenched his teeth, “ahh—Fraser!” he shouted when his orgasm overtook him, like he always did during these anonymous encounters, when it was really good, when the illusion he had helped to built was flawless. Fraser. Always Fraser. Always.
The stranger moaned loudly and held Ray even more tightly against the couch, driving into him almost viciously and Ray gasped wetly.
Teeth bit again into the tender skin of Ray’s neck and Ray cried out. The guy was shaking as if he was falling apart and Ray could feel him pulsing inside of him – a strangely intimate feeling that left Ray momentarily sad that they had to use a condom for this.
When he pulled out Ray stumbled to an upright position again and tried to get his pants up again. This was the moment he didn’t like about this fucking in the dark thing, this awkward moment when both got dressed again and no one knew what to say now, ‘thanks’ or ‘see you’ didn’t seem quite up to the task.
But Ray had barely straightened up when he was pressed against the wall again, hot lips claimed his own in a deep kiss and he moaned at the unexpected onslaught. The wet tongue pushed into his mouth again and Ray could only fist his hands into the guy’s shirt to keep on his feet.
The man was pulling on him, pushing Ray along the corridor and Ray realized where they were heading – towards the light. Near the entrance, where it would be just about bright enough to make out details.
Ray dug his heels into the dirty concrete floor. No reality, not now! Not when his fantasy was so close to perfection that even Ray himself could believe that it had been Fraser and be happy for another few weeks.
But the stranger wasn’t stopping. He had his arms around Ray’s slightly smaller frame and walked him backwards, never stopping his feverish kisses and Ray had to wrench his mouth away to get the ‘no’ out in the open.
Ray closed his eyes. Warm fingers stroked his cheekbones again before warm lips pressed against his for another kiss; the stranger pulled away a few inches and whispered against his lips: “Look at me, Ray.”
Ray’s eyes flew open at the soft timbre of the voice before he even heard his name. He gaped in shock at Benton Fraser who stood before him, dishevelled, with mussed hair and kiss swollen lips, an oddly shy expression on his face.
“Fraser?” Ray whispered in disbelief as if everything louder would destroy the image. There was barely any light; Fraser was almost completely in shadows so Ray pulled Fraser closer toward the exit and the only lighted area.
Ray stopped again once they were bathed in gloomy light that rose up from the floor.
“Fraser?” He repeated in a low voice and Fraser only nodded.
Suddenly he had an armful of Ray Kowalski. Ray hugged Fraser tightly before he found his lips again.
“I’ve always hoped it was you,” Fraser whispered in between kisses.
“Me too,” Ray mumbled before pressing his lips against Fraser’s again, kissing him deeply.
“When you said my name… I thought I had gone insane,” Fraser murmured quietly.
“I’m real Fraser, all flesh and blood.”
“Thank God, Ray.”
Ray stole another kiss before he pressed his forehead against Fraser’s.
“Let’s get out of here, okay?”
“Gladly,” Fraser answered with a smile in his voice.
Maybe darkness wasn’t what really made you blind, Ray mused when they were driving to his apartment while he was sneaking glances back at Fraser in the passenger seat.
Sometimes you could be blind all on your own.